Burnt at Both Ends: The Energy Shot

Ever since ESPN started airing the commercial, it was inevitable.

Long lasting energy without the crash... You don't need energy drinks, just the energy...

These phrases were permanently ingrained in my head, every 3rd commercial, as I sat wondering how the Bobcats(17-6 at home) could lose at home to the New Jersey Nets(1-27 on the road), how the Tarheels could get dominated so mercilessly by Georgia Tech, if the Lakers can beat the Cavs with Jamison(yes), or how glad I was that Johnny Weir was at a safe distance...

5 hour Energy.

Ever since being overexposed to 5-hour Energy, I've been secretly obsessed with giving it a try. Not out of necessity, not as a trial run for future addiction, but to...?

To put a feeling to the name. Would 2:30 really feel like 5:30?

To confirm my suspicions. How much does life suck for people who rely on them? Would Luke Harangody consider it?

5 hour energy. 5 hour energy.

Since I made the decision to do this about a week ago, I have been trolling the supermarkets, gas stations, and finally the Walgreens in search of the small orange bottle. Gas stations? No luck. Supermarkets? No luck. K-Mart? Sold out. 1st Walgreens? Sold out. 2nd Walgreens? Sold out. Apparently Puerto Ricans are super into it... Even more reason to do it!

However, the prolonged search was getting irritating, so I decided that I didn't care that much about the brand, just the effect.. so I settled for the second rate spin-off sitting next to the empty slot on the shelf: the Monster: Hitman Energy Shooter. . I purchased the 3 fluid oz. bottle for 2.99.


In doing so, I was directly defying this statement by 5-hour Energy on their website: Despite dozens of imitators, 5-hour Energy is still number one – by a wide margin. Why? Because it works.

According to the bottles however, they have the exact same ingredients, the Monster: Hitman even one-upping 5-Hour Energy with 400 mg of Panax Ginseng. So, any fears of tainting my experiment were thus assuaged, and I entered the next step at full throttle, dreaming of full throttle.

Next step? To actually drink the energy shooter. The target was for the early morning of February 17th, selected simply because it was the next day. I glanced briefly at the warning label, cursorily noted the phrase: "no more than 1 every 4 hours," the words "irritability, rapid heartbeat, pregnant women," and read no more. In retrospect, here is what it really says:



But at that moment in time, I didn't care about their warnings. I wanted to make my own warning. And this is how it reads:

6:30 AM. I chugged the small bottle on the way to do point counts with Alcides. Taste doesn't really matter, since it's gone in a millisecond. Only preparation? Make sure I'm not the one driving. For the first hour nothing has really happened, until... I realize that something is happening. While driving to the next point, I discover myself simultaneously attempting to:

- eat yogurt
- remove seed-pods from my pants
- grope for my pen beneath the seat
- change the CD to Kid Cudi
- enter the next point into the GPS
- read directions to Alcides
- grasp his joke about if your friend falls into this plant to say this phrase about a penis, which is a double-meaning, because...

As I said, I try to accomplish all these things simultaneously in about 2 minutes, all while feeling quite nauseous and strung out. I "succeed," but have worked myself into a complete frenzy in the process...

Anyways... we are arriving to the next point, so I have to get out and open a gate. As I get back in the car, I can't open the door because the spoon is still in my hand and then I slam the door on my foot getting back in. I become entangled in the seat belt and by the time I de-tangle it's time to open another gate. Alcides is fully aware of my experiment and is whooping and laughing at me.

The point is up a stream-bed, and my goal is to not fall and at the same time to think of some adjectives to describe my sensations. I create a chant of them so I can remember them until I write them down. They are:

- Nausea
- Over-enthusiasm
- Master of None
- Irrational Anger
- Idly Scatterbrained
- Bodily Functions x 100

Those are pretty accurate, and I'm pleased. Here are the notes I make while also counting the birds I am hearing. Note how large I wrote "close door on foot." Click on it to make it bigger!



So... Time passes... We are finished working, it's about 11:00 and we're driving home. I am crashing(I'm not supposed to be crashing), and it is not pretty, I am extremely hostile, hostile toward every song that is playing, the seat belt, my shoes, everything. Everything is out to get me! I stop moving completely and eat a PB and J and things start to get better.

What to make of this? Well... I'll just put it like this: it confirmed my suspicions...

- After taking it, 2:30 may feel like 5:30, but you'll get splinched in the process.

- Luke Harangody has probably tried it(yet another reason why he'll never be as good as Hansbrough), and yes... you're life would really suck if you took this regularly.

Sigh... As with most things in life, the actual experience did not live up to the fantasy. But then again... I'm not the one writing reviews like this, so you tell me:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

i tried it and the taste is alitle less than expected but all in all pretty good its about 1:00 am i took it about 11:00 im alitle more tired than in the begining but then agian ive had a full can of monster every day for 3 weeks id give it about an 8.5
10:59 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

whoever said its pathetic is retarted monster kicks ass NOS sux i was high wen i drank 3 of them hahahahahhahaahah
7:46 AM

Anonymous dean said...

i am now six hours out after my very first energy drink ever...this shot from monster. i took it before a hockey game, and i'm just now recovering. seriously thought i was going to have to call a doctor. shakes were so bad i couldnt type this ten minutes ago. the energy drink experts may chalk this up to my being a rookie at the energy drinks and they may be right, but for me the aftereffects were terrifying. just a word to the wise, and again in fairness i'm a 41 year old guy who is about ten pounds overweight. full disclosure.
1:02 AM


Loll... At least I spent the rest of my day like this:


One love, y'all.

Woof, Meow, and Ouch: The Dead-end Nature with which We Operate.

This post is the beginning of what promises to be a long, continuous tale. In my neighborhood, the humans share the streets, yards, and trashcans with an assortment of loose animals. Just within our block, there are dozens of cats and dogs, a scattering of horses, not to mention the giant toads, hermit crabs, and the slinking mongoose. Sitting along the street in the evening, I have built relationships with some of them, and find great amusement in finding my role in this myriad of feral beasts... and during this process I have kept a journal of my interactions, of which I'll be sharing with you. Before we get to the entries, I need to give some background of the characters. To this point, the most important players have been a trio of male cats. Our first cat to hang around us is named Hawk, and later on you'll meet two others, Harrier and Owl Cat. The overlying tension of all that happens is caused by the fact that our landlord Don Walter(who lives above us) strictly prohibits cats around the house due to the allergy of his wife...but we'll get to all of that. So, with no further adieu, let it begin... photographs will be at the end:

1/10
A cat has appeared, and he seems to be willing to come closer, unlike the other ones. The development of our relationship has been gradual, the sequence of events long and complicated. At first it was simple bribery with bacon fat, then preening. We give him pleasure in the form of company and food, and in turn he gives us company and a fun challenge. His eyes are forever critical, and his body is still constantly taut and poised to flee. Our relationship has been forged under the disapproval of our landlord who strictly prohibited cats in the vicinity, due to the allergy of his wife. I name him Hawk.

1/15
Hawk ran to the door, staring out to the street. We scampered up behind him, and through the dimness of dusk we saw a figure sitting on the curb, staring intently down towards us. It was a dark, vertical figure with two ears sticking up from his skull. The image of a long-eared owl came to mind and the name stuck. Owl Cat. Just as his existence registered we blinked and he had disappeared. Walking up the driveway to the road, we looked up and down, but saw nothing. He had disappeared. Hawk refused to leave our side, weaving between our legs, peering down the street.

1/20
Last night we were the closest ever with Hawk, having gained enough trust for him to come inside and sit alongside us, to chase down toads in front of us, even to cut loose with his youthful energy and leap onto the side of a telephone pole, only to calm down, leap off, and nudge and sway between our calves, running to catch up with us if we walked ahead.

1/21
We had to take Hawk away this morning, as Don Walter was overheard cursing and threatening to poison him with tainted tuna. Don Walter then came and yelled at us directly, telling us to stop feeding the cat and leaving the door open. We feared for his life and felt responsible for it. Phillip and I forced him in the car before dawn as we headed to Maricao Forest to bird. We drove him down the road, through a mile of undeveloped land and into Ensenada town, where we let him out by a traffic construction sign and the first houses. In the car he struggled at first, jumping onto the dashboard and throwing his head into the windows, calming down only when one of us held him in our lap, stroking his ribcage or the areas around his throat and ears. As we approached our destination he began to emit a series of heart-wrenching screams, hollow and descending, unlike anything he had made before. We tossed him out the door, drove away, and then looked back. He sat there by the side of a new road motionless... he seemed to be scarcely breathing. But we knew from having just held him that his heart was racing.

We were taking him away from the only place he had ever known, into a new, cutthroat world in which he was completely un-established. And in our heads Phillip and I agonized. We were performing the utmost betrayal, but at the same time we were trying to convince ourselves that we were doing the right thing: severance for the greater good.. but that made us feel no better.

1/21 evening
Full of guilt. Not until now did I realize that we hadn’t even fought for him, hadn’t made his case for permanence to Don Walter. Instead, we had taken him anonymously in the dark and severed our relationship. I can picture us slamming the door and driving off..

1/25/10 – 8:00 PM –
A new cat appears coming up Calle D. With distant coaxing he takes up post underneath a field vehicle by the blue trashcans. Luring with a slice of cheddar cheese gets him to come as close as 2 meters, but just for the food. Cheese is gone, mostly down his throat, and he is now perched on the curb where Hawk used to sit, his face to the road. He has also spent moments lying underneath the car. During the day a few new cats were seen, a black white and orange cat(smore), and a mostly black cat with a white throat that was feasting inside a trashcan. Optimism rises with this new cat, Harrier… though he is certainly more independent and slower to reel in than Hawk. He has now crossed the road, his camouflage is incredible. He is part rock, part threadbare grass as he chases down a toad and slips away through the brush.

1/26
I was alone in the house, sitting at the kitchen table, when I saw Owl Cat sitting by the blue trashcan on the curb. I scarcely believed my eyes, this mythic cat is virtually never seen. And now he was a stones throw away. At mid-day! I slunk to the refrigerator and pulled out a piece of ham. I tossed a few pieces his way and cautiously he stepped through the grass to eat them. The entire time I was cautious not to move, not to slam the door, my only goal being to imprint upon him a positive notion. I filled a lid with milk and placed it behind the car tire. He pretended to not be interested until I left him alone, then, as I watched through the screen door I saw him drink it up eagerly. I have attempted no physical contact, but now he is lying scarcely 5 meters from the door, his back to me, his eyes surveying the scene. I was able to grab some photographs of him.. he is a haphazard mottling of coffee and black with no pattern whatsoever. He leers with the most peculiar eyes.

1/28/10 – 6:00 PM
Hawk returns!!! While throwing stones into trashcans, we take a break and walk up the street, and as we return we see Hawk sitting by the cans. He begins to cry and meow constantly, plowing headfirst into our legs, swishing through us and giving us the utmost affection. His coat is dusty, we know he has traveled at least 1.5 miles in his return and by only two possible routes: through uninhabited inhospitable forest, or following along the treacherous road. We are overwhelmed with emotion: overjoyed, pained, and conflicted about what to do. It has to be only moments until Don Walter hears all of this screaming.

We wind up taking him away again for fear of his life, but it is a half-hearted attempt. This time we take him only .5 miles, across the neighborhood… to buy us some time before making a more serious decision. He will return. All we know is that his profuse screaming would reveal him to Don Walter all too quickly. What a cat. I love him. Maybe he thought it was a manhood test, and he was super proud to have passed it. But God. We are assholes... He's been taken away again, thrown into another random neighborhood, where he will have to pass through the bar district, full of the most massive and lunatic dogs to return. I predict his return by dawn.

2/5/10
Still no return from Hawk. Maybe he has died? He would only have had to come back about 0.5 miles, easy distance compared to what he did before. Owl Cat not seen in awhile. Harrier stops by the trashcan spot daily, is resting often underneath the cars, but gives no affection and I am starting to not care about him.

PHOTOS:


This is Hawk. Doing what he does best: charming.


Steely-eyed Owl Cat. Forever mysterious.


Harrier. The most regular visitor now, but completely unwilling to bond.


A cat seen only once. Frightening.


Our dog for one night... until Don Walter chased it away with rocks. He still stops by occasionally.


So when you're in a place that hardly rains and is surrounded by salt water, where do homeless animals drink from? Thankfully, there are random puddles of household runoff everywhere. . . Yum Yum.


And there are some big ass poisonous toads. The animals like to chase/eat the little ones, but once they are full grown, like this one, the toads are the ones doing the eating.


And there are some big ass hermit crabs, this one stuntin' on the kitchen table.

Constant Vigilance

Be careful who you let in your bedroom, they might bite you.
When it comes to bedroom guests, looks can sometimes be deceiving. But sometimes, they are exactly who they look to be... for better or worse.

This needs no further proof when Scolopendra angulata is discovered beneath your resting laundry...


Thankfully, it was sufficiently ill to allow removal and, in turn... a full hour of prodding and photo-shooting before being chucked into the shrubbery.






Jaws of death. Or at least jaws of excruciating pain. The result of all this? Not a whole lot... just that I am a little less enthusiastic about walking to the potty in the pitch black.

In the words of Mad-Eye Moody... CONSTANT VIGILANCE.

Seed of Chucky

Thankfully, in the wilds of Puerto Rico there are fairly few life threatening creatures - there are no jaguars, there are no bushmasters, there are fairly few murderous fellows. Thus, when I am trodding through the forest on a daily basis, I can afford to be a bit more reckless. I can stick my foot behind a root or slide down a hill on my butt.... but I'm starting to learn that there are new perils, perils I had never ever considered. Yes. I have borne witness to a new and deadly foe.

And so the story begins...

A couple days ago I was going down a stream bed to a survey point with my field partner. We had passed under barbed wire fences and descended into relative remoteness, and as we did so I thought to myself that if I were anywhere else, I would be somewhat concerned for my life. Something might attack me. But nay... here there are no creatures in the woodland depths any larger than a rat. Nothing can surprise me. Or so I thought. As I came into a clearing by the streamside I came across a most startling discovery. It was this:


What the...? Okay, an abandoned house isn't that strange, but wait, there's something weird about these horses, besides the fact that they are approaching me rapidly. Let me look closer at that white one.


Uh. And this one t00?


At first I wasn't certain what was going on. Were these members of a rare, barbie race of forest pony? Had the Rastafarians crossed from Jamaica and infiltrated the equines?

Well... kind of! The truth is this. As one came to feed on my shirt, I got a close look at its perm. They had suffered from an attack of seed pods. Sticking their heads deep into the grasses, they had emerged worse for the wear.
-----------
I have grown accustomed to having a ton of seed pods clinging to my legs when I return to the house. I spend a few minutes using my humanoid fingers to pull them off... and by the end I'm even vaguely enjoying the whole process. But these horses, afflicted with the same plight, are unable to groom themselves and in turn have become ostracized hermits.

But, seriously, let's not be too hard on them. It looks pretty good doesn't it?

A Picture Says a Thousand Words

We should all bow to cliches.

But I often feel pressure to avoid them in conversation, knowing that I'll be scoffed at for being cliche. But then I realize that they are what they are for a reason... They have a reputation, an automatic reaction, because they always hit close to home. You know, if the shoe fits wear it! Where there's smoke, there's fire!

One such cliche is A picture says a thousand words. So, what can I do but prove it? Here are some Puerto Rican photos, with a few spare comments... you know, something to sink your teeth into. Remember that you can click on the photos to make them bigger!

The first two photos are from the back porch of our "research station." AKA, two apartments connected by a balcony in the town of Playa Santa. Anyways, this balcony is the icing on top of some terrific accomodations, full of wireless internet, showers, satellite TV, air-conditioning... things I usually only dream of while working jobs like these. Anyways, the balcony is perfect for birding, relaxation, work, whatever. But most importantly, a breeze and natural lighting.





We will continue the tour with some looks at the rest of the island... or at least what I have seen so far. The picture below is facing north, with the mountainous center of the island visible. There doesn't seem to be many flat spots in this place, its volcanic past has left it hilly and winding.



The final sequence of photographs will be from up in the mountains. Here, unlike in the dry forests of our home, there is often dense cloud cover and rain showers, and because of this... there is rain forest. The trees are full of color and fruit with coffee plantations scattered amongst them.





Below is the famous breadfruit, or pana... a staple of the tropical diet worldwide.



Oh... and don't forget the beaches.



So, that's it for now. We all know Rome wasn't built in a day! But don't fret there is more coming. You can count on it, lock stock and barrel.

Possessed As a Gun Charge

There has been a long break since I last posted and there are a few things you should know. First, you can kiss substitute teaching goodbye and can send all the Carolina muttering into the sunset. Second, it is a new year. Third, I'm still the same.

NEways...I am now operating in Puerto Rico. Before I begin the documentation, I better give U some backdrop, just in case u are clueless, as in, geographically challenged, as in... where is Puerto Rico? Thanks to Google and the South Plains Church of Christ missionary trips website, I found a map online to show you.


Here is a zoom in.



I am in the SW at the Guanica forest on the map. This side of the island is the dry side not the jungle side, due to the rain shadow caused by the central mountain ranges. Dryness is goodness when the days are upper 80s and sunny, and especially so while perched along the Caribbean shores. The hillsides are covered in dry forest, a conglomeration of prickles, pods, and compound leaves... The towns are filled with caramel skin, surf boards, and wandering dogs... The countryside full of cattle, bananas, and rusting history.

Now... the next question to be flushed out of the brush is this: What am I doing here? Well, technically, I am... working with birds. Shocker! But still not specific enough. The goal of our work is this: to assess the habitat viability in the area between Guanica and Susua Forests.. to see if there is movement of individuals between the forests, and to see if connecting the two through a corridor is possible, or if birds are already moving fluidly between them. So, we spend the mornings going to points in between the forests, counting what we hear or see. More or less. Later in the Spring I will be assisting with two other related projects, including using telemetry to track the movements of Puerto Rican Bullfinches in the area.

Soooooo, all this background stuff was just for the most inquisitive folk. My posts won't be all about the birds, they'll be about everything... that oddment in the grocery store, that peculiarity in the hills, that online meditation.

All I can promise is that you won't be waiting long.

What Google Can Do 4 U

What's the best way to summarize the needs of mankind? The desires of the weak? The questions that we all want to ask?

Thankfully, Google has the ability to predict these questions for us. Google knows best.

What are the most used intros to questions? Well, don't worry, because I know. They are:

1.) How to ______________?

2.) Where can I find ______________?

3.) What is the best ______________?

4.) How do I spell ______________?

5.) Where is the best place to ____________?

6.) Who is _________________?

7.) Why does ________________?

8.) What is _________________?

9.) Is it unhealthy to ________?

10.) Is ______________?

Haha, ok this is going to be so good. We're going to tackle these one at a time... Google shall do all the work for me, I will just type "How To" or "Who is" into the search bar and I will get a list of the top questions that begin with that phrase prompted to me. I will copy them down so we can, in turn, ponder them. And laugh. We are about to learn A LOT about society.

1.) How to ______________
How to sew on a button
How to tie a tie
How to kiss
How to get pregnant
How to lose weight fast
How to cook a turkey
How to solve a rubix cube
How to write a resume
How to make a website
How to lose weight

2.) Where can I find _____________?
Where can I find zhu zhu pets?
Where can I find Chuck Norris?
Where can I find Erin Andrews video?
Where can I find my IP address?
Where can I find Erin Andrews peephole video?
Where can I find a job?
Where can I find cheap airline tickets?
Where can I find a notary?

3.) What is the best _______________?
What is the best cell phone?
What is the best laptop?
What is the best antivirus software?
What is the best way to lose weight?
What is the best dog food?
What is the best way to lose fat?
What is the best digital camera?
What is the best blackberry?
What is the best mattress?

4.) How do I spell ________________?
How do I spell numbers?
How do I spell resume?
How do I spell hors d'oeuvres?
How do I spell sounds?
How do I spell cancelled?
How do I spell hieroglyfics?
How do I spell my name phonetically?

5.) Where is the best place to __________________?
Where is the best place to live?
Where is the best place to live in Florida?
Where is the best place to get a tattoo?
Where is the best place to buy a TV?
Where is the best place to shoot a deer?
Where is the best place to download free music?
Where is the best place to mine thorium?
Where is the best place to exchange currency?

6.) Who is ___________________?
Who is my congressman?
Who is Lady Gaga?
Who is Big Poppa?
Who is John Galt?
Who is on the dime?
Who is the richest man in the world?

7.) Why does ___________________?
Why does my vag smell?
Why does my eye twitch?
Why does poop float?
Why does my dog eat poop?
Why does ice float?
Why does hair turn gray?
Why does milk appear white?
Why does Kim Zolciak where a wig?
Why does it rain?
Why do men have nipples?
Why do men cheat?
Why do cats knead?

8.) What are ______________?
What are the symptoms of the swine flu?
What are the 7 deadly sins?
What are the 7 wonders of the world?
What are capers?
What are prime #s?
What are carbs?
What are the 7 continents?
What is labor day?
What is love?
What is twitter?
What is mystery google?

9.) Is it unhealthy to _____________?
Is it unhealthy to not ejaculate?
Is it unhealthy to eat boogers?
Is it unhealthy to swallow?
Is it unhealthy to sleep too much?
Is it unhealthy to ejaculate too often?
Is it unhealthy to wash your hair everyday?
Is it unhealthy to not have a period?
Is it unhealthy to not wear your underwear?
Is it unhealthy to be a vegetarian?
Is it unhealthy to eat late?

10.) Is _______?
Is Lady Gaga a man?
Is Lady Gaga a hermaphrodite?
Is the world going to end in 2012?
Is Santa real?
Is bronchitis contagious?
Is Khloe Kardashian pregnant?
Is pneumonia contagious?
Is Wal-mart open on Christmas 09?
Is Wendy Williams a man?
Is limewire illegal?

So what is it that we learned? I'm not certain. The only thing I'm certain of is this:

If you are trying to find the Erin Andrew's peep hole video and you realize that a.) you need to lose weight fast and b.) you don't know how to make a turkey, you must be able to whip out a cell phone with text capabilities to ask your friend what the proper hors d'ouevers(sp?) are and find the best background music for Christmas dinner. In the meantime, surf the net to catch up on all the latest Pop News, such as how to mine thorium or the story of Kim Zolciak's wig, and you do all of this why? To avoid being stuck alone in front of a mirror wondering if your vag smells. Only then will you begin to understand the mystery google. And why men have nipples. But seriously, is Wal-mart open on Christmas?

A Ritual Killing

Setup: In the summer of 2007 I spent a term in Kenya studying community wildlife management. With any foreign country comes a foreign culture, and in my part of Kenya this happened to be the nomadic Maasai, a culture in which cattle and children are the terms of wealth, and a culture I had always revered from home... I imagined them standing high over the plain, trailing the lions that stalked his herd. An image soon to be confirmed.


At our research station, I befriended one of the Maasai guards named Fred Kipoit, whose job was to protect our camp against rogue wildlife and rogue people. He did this with a machete, a wooden mace, and a high-powered flashlight. My encounters with him consisted of patrolling the perimeter with him at night, listening to stories of him battling lions, and as I'll detail here, butchering the goat for our team's final feast. This butchering occurred in the acacia forest behind our buildings, out of sight and hearing of all the students, the students who would later eat the product.


The experience was a fascinating one, both for the actions and the company. It was no ordinary butchering, it was a Maasai one... and what came with that was a wholly unique process... highlighted by their aversion to eyeballs. So. This shall be a sectional poem of sorts... though I dislike the word poem, so I'll chalk it up as Xtreme detail. Interspersed throughout will be photos and a video! yay, of the goings on.

Ritual Killing

The goat was strangled with a nylon cord
With no resistance. On the muddy path
That splits the bush, by an electric fence
Its body stiffened in a final gasp.

Fred Kipoit was hired as a guard
To peer into the night tar-skinned and slender,
He carries a thin rod made of tamarind
That I hold now as he collects the tinder.

A nesting pair of bare-faced go-away birds
Scold me like the bleating of a sheep,
I hollow out and rinse the ripped intestine
As the golden films of shit pile in a heap.


To pay respect for animals that die,
Plucked from cattle dips or subtle dens,
Custom of the Maasai is to spare
Their eyes from seeing juice upon our chin.



The knife dissevers membranes of white matter
Like the cells of a sweet grapefruit; at last
The eyes are torn, tossed onto the ground
Like bulbs uprooted, reddening the grass.

Stripped of skin and braced on wooden prongs
The muscles sear under a smoky hood
By orange gleams that quiver in the breeze
Of savannas lying far from coastal woods.

Death Threats and The Silver Bullet Train

At 6:30 a.m. the phone calls start. I listen to and decline a few job offers, floating in and out of consciousness, lying on my stomach, the phone pressed between me and the mattress. Vibrate. Vibrate. I think back to the day before... impossibly small humans... asking me if if they can put their heads in the trashcan... tugging on my knee, asking Mr. Alan, can we use your shoes as pillows?

7:00. Another call. Awake. Middle school Math. I can do that. I get up, completely relying on routine and muscle memory to get me through the mindless morning sequence. Wash. Eat. Dress. Pack. Drive. Bump Drake.

And so it begins...

I'm in the classroom.

The lesson plans are simple enough. Pass out a worksheet with some complex word problems on them, and do this for every class. One of the problems reads as such:

Two cubes and two screws weigh as much as one cube and ten nails. One cube weighs as much as one screw and one nail. How many nails weigh as much as one cube?

Oh my God. Talk about an obnoxious question. Now I have to listen to the sighs and complaints about it all day. I will have to continually threaten them by telling them that it will be collected and graded. By the way, the answer is 4.

But. Never despair. What I've learned as I trawl classroom after classroom in search of amusement is this: that the most priceless gems never have anything to do with the schoolwork. Today's no different. Here are the highlights:

One extremely "enthusiastic" boy feels the need to share all of his favorite jokes with me.

Him: Did you hear the joke about the speeding bullet train?

Me: No.

Him: Too bad. You missed it!

Me: Wow that's funny.

Him: What's the difference between Jimmy and an onion?

Me: I don't know.

Him: You don't cry when you chop Jimmy up.

He keeps on going. And going. Wow. But I get distracted by a little girl who is bragging to her neighbor that she can burp the ABC's. So cliche, I think. But then again, she is about 40 pounds so I have to see if it is true. I put her to the test. She then gets red in the face and says she can't do it all at once. I have called her bluff. I turn my back on her and start heading back to my desk. But then, from behind me, from deep down in her recesses, comes the eruption. A. B. C. D. I stay completely still so as not to distract her...all the way until X. Y. Z.

She did it! Yay!

Completely enthused with my first class, I think the day can't get much better. That is until a shaking young lad comes up to me and says someone is threatening to kill him. Mhmmm.... Unexpected!!! I stay calm and ask him: Who? How do you know?

He hands me a folded piece of paper. He tells me he found it in his locker.



I can't tell whether he is actually frightened by this or not. Either he is an excellent actor or he is petrified. Regardless, I tell him that there is nothing to worry about. That I will take care of it. That he is safe. Lolololol.

The rest of the day passes by calmly. A new kid comes and eats lunch in my classroom. We debate his homework, and whether 4 never-ending lines can have only 2 points of intersection.

After lunch, I give the class a challenge. The kid who answers the domino riddle first wins a prize. This is the riddle:



So far, no one in any of the classes had answered it correctly - a perfect opportunity for some excitement. And...?

And..? I have never seen students work so feverishly. And...? As always, the motivation of winning a prize drives someone to succeed. And...? Someone solves it! I hand the girl an ice cold Coca-Cola can just like in the commercials, and just like in the commercials it lights up her face.

I tell her to dispose of the can afterward, for I'm sure that it is against school policy to down soft drinks in class. She says NO. I'M KEEPING IT AS A MEMENTO. I say whatever.

Even In Poetry: Middle School Never Fails

I substituted for a middle school language arts class this past week. 5 classes of 7th graders. The first 30 minutes of each period was spent following along in a novel as we listened to the recording.

Things got more exciting during the final 15 minutes, when the kids were supposed to write a poem, the only guideline being a "Message to a Friend." When everyone seemed stumped, I gave them suggestions. I told them that a "message to a friend" is just a guideline, that you can write it to an object, to food, or even to someone you're angry with. This got them going. Here are some priceless samples:

Poem #1
I met a new friend,
We had a lot of fun.
The next day,
She ditched me 3 times,
One by one.
After school,
I saw her,
She gave me gum.
We talked,
And laughed,
I guess we're friends
Again...
A week before,
I got better
Relations with a friend.
She ditched me to go to science,
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT???
She ditched me.
That's OK but to go
To SCIENCE??
Uh oh, that's not right.
Or is it?

Poem #2
Jahleel is my baby,
Love him to death,
Known him since
September 25th
Last year, met at
A party. He'll
Always be in
My heart, threw
Thick and thin
I'll always be
There for him
I LOVE YOU JAHLEEL

Poem #3
Josh is going around talking like he's
Cool, making lame jokes about his
Fake life, even when I laugh he
Takes it as a compliment, Yea right,
I wish he left
Webslingers, and
Got a life of
Dismal days, That
Will be grand,
Getting away
From him, is
Not a request,
But a life
Goal, so when
Something like
That happens, I
Will thank the lord
For that day, also
He gets all in my
Face and I'm like buzz
Off to your bad life,
Peace!

Poem #4
Nolan, what is this gap that stands between us?
Ever since we first met,
We were tighter than a noose.
Now we stand on either side
Of an invisible wall,
Thousands of miles across.
This wall is called employment.

When mom’s job made us move,
We were separated and each sealed
On either side of this gap.
But one day, our separate prisons will fall
And we will once again roam the earth together,
No wall to divide us from our friendship.

Poem #5

Mr. Nyquil
You are my quill